Category Archives: My self esteem is heating up the room

Rebuilding the machine

First, holy shit I’m actually writing something on this blog.  Right?

This is my first post in 2012 and this is what’s what.

Things that haven’t changed:  I’m still single.  I have the same job.  I live in the same apartment.  I still have 4 cats.

Things that have changed:  My state of mind, my attitude, and my body.

Over the past 5 months, I’ve come to view my body as a machine.  I was once in such good shape, a talented athlete.  But like a machine, you have keep up with the maintenance.  I didn’t.

I decided in February that I wanted to run a very popular race in Philly, a 10 mile race that requires runners to run a 15 minute mile or faster.  This was a huge decision for me.  I was running slow at the time I made the decision and needed a goal.  This race is so popular that I didn’t get in at first, but got picked in the lottery.  I felt like this was fate.

Running is hard work.  When I got the word that I got into the race, I was running 3 miles, 3 times a week at a pace of 13 minutes per mile.  I had to pick it up.  I gradually increased how many times a week I ran and increased my distance.  I got terrible blisters and lost the nail on my big toe on my left foot.  I kept on running through body aches and a tight back and bad weather.

I pushed my body until my muscles started remembering what being fit felt like.  I pushed until I could maintain a 9 minute mile pace over several miles.  I pushed until I didn’t have to worry about how my body felt because running felt like home again.  Yes, home again.  Muscle memory is amazing.  My body remembered my gait and form.  And even though I wasn’t in shape enough to handle what my body wanted to do in the beginning, once my cardiovascular system could handle it I took off.

The hardest part about running is exercising your mental muscle.  Finding the part of you that shuts the negative part of you off.  Figuring out how to let go of fear and just relax.  Learning to trust your body and realize that our machines were built for movement.  I feel better when I keep moving.  Rest only makes me hurt, both physically and mentally.  Newton was right, “a body in motion stays in motion”.  I think of members of my family who sit around and don’t move.  The ridiculous walkers or canes they use, all because their leg muscles are too weak to carry their body weight.  They have no injuries, except for a broken mind.  What’s the other cliche…”use it or lose it”?  Too true.  I don’t want to be that person when I’m 50, a prisoner inside of a abandoned shack of a body.  Who wants that?  I see the 70-year-old runners at races with their smiles and strong bodies, and that’s what I want not just for myself but for everyone.

I have changed.  I am better.  I am rebuilding my machine.

So, what’s your excuse?

The Pixie

I chopped my hair off.  I went from a shoulder-length bob to a pixie…very drastic.  I love it.  It’s easy and chic.  I haven’t been so happy with my hair in years.

And when you’re happy with your hair, you feel good and good feelings attract good things…and so on and so on.

Although, I ran a 5K a few days ago and the guy checking me in thought I was a guy.  I know I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was wearing a boob-smashing sports bra but I think he was fuckwit, because was wearing pink from head to toe and had a barrette in my hair.  I gave him my last name and he asked me if I was Brian or Debbie.  Um, really?

Other than that silliness, the reaction to the short cut has been positive.  Even my dad, who hates short hair, says it suits me.

Here’s the picture.  Isn’t it an awesome cut?

This is your former Pilot speaking…

A few weeks ago, I was reading in bed minding my own damn business when the phone started ringing.  I didn’t recognize the number, but definitely recognized the name.


It was The Pilot.  If you need a refresher on who The Pilot is or if you have no idea and want to know, read about it here, here, here, here and here.

Or, for the short of it…met him 6 years ago, fell hard, he’s emotionally unavailable, we dated on and off for years, I was in love with him, he was the best sex of my life, because of his job he would disappear for months at a time, and I finally let him go a few years ago.  Unfortunately, he likes to check in on me.  It’s like he has radar on the exact moment I’m thinking about someone else and BAM…the phone rings.

My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes, so I answered the phone.  This is our conversation as I remember it (which is pretty spot on because I’ve been replaying over and over to torture myself).

Me: “Hello”

The Pilot in his ridiculously sexy Southern drawl: “Hey Debbie.”

Me: “Um, hi Neil.  This is weird.”

The Pilot: “I was thinking of you and thought I’d say hi.”

Me: “Why?”

The Pilot: “Can’t I say hi?”

Me: “No. I don’t want you to call me.”

The Pilot: “Well, I moved…to Colorado.”

He knows that I want to move to Colorado.  We’ve talked about how much I want to move there.  I’ve even told him I’m not above borrowing from my 104K to move there.  How could he move there?

Me: “Great, so now when I move there you’ll be in the same state as me….again.”

The Pilot: “I got stationed out here. It’s good. My dad died recently and it’s nice to be somewhere new.”

Me: “I’m sorry about your dad.  When did he pass?”

The Pilot: “July 6.”

Me: “That’s my mom’s birthday. Weird.”

The Pilot: “I’m living with a woman.  We’ve been together for a few months and we’re really happy.”

I don’t know why this cut through my heart like a razor, but I wanted to throw up. All I could think about was that I wasn’t enough for him and she is.

Me: “Why are you telling me this?”

The Pilot: “I don’t know.  I was just thinking of you and wanted to tell you that I’m happy.”

I seriously hate him right now.

Me: “Well…it’s good that you’re happy. I’m not sure why you needed to tell me this, but…okay.”

The Pilot: “I should hang up. I probably shouldn’t have called you, I don’t know why I did.”

Me: “Neither do I.  Goodbye Neil. I hope that when I move to Colorado I never run into you.”

The Pilot: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I guess I understand.  Bye Debbie.”

I know why he called.  Because we were electric together.  Not good electric, though.  It was like the current between us was so strong that if we kept going we would have burned each other out.  And it almost got to that point.

Still, that phone call messed me up. I can’t be cool about him. He affects me deeply. During that short call, I was torn between wanting to beat the shit out of him and falling on my knees in worship just hearing his voice.

I hope I never hear from him again.