Category Archives: Just go away

Finally, I relaxed

I can’t remember the last time I took a nap. I’ve tried to relax, but can never commit. I’m always finding something else to do or thinking about everything I have to do or making myself feel guilty about napping.

I’ve been so busy lately. Between the running, yoga, chores, races, dinners, parties, and other shit that has made up my life over the past couple of months, I haven’t had a moment of peace to begin to relax and it’s caught up with me this week. I went to bed at 8 PM every night this week and slept well, but was still exhausted. All week, my body has been slow and slurry. On Wednesday, I really believed that I could have fallen asleep standing up on the train. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

I told everyone to fuck off this weekend. I had one obligation yesterday morning, a breakfast with family, and then nothing but my Sunday run. I got home from breakfast and stared at my bed with longing. I turned all of the ringers off on my phones and snuggled down. I slept for 2 hours and felt wonderful. This morning, I ran 5 miles and cleaned the house. After my shower, I snuggled down again and slept for another 2 hours.

The older I get, the more I need to chill out and recharge my battery. I need quiet time. I need to calm my overstimulated mind. I really need to start taking one day a week to be by myself and just bask in quiet. I think it’s a good plan.

In other news, my drunk ass neighbor might be losing his life tonight if he doesn’t stop cutting the 3 twigs he cut off of a pine tree with a chain saw. He’s been at it for several hours over sticks I could have broken off with my bare hands. It’s right outside my living room window. It’s driving me mad.

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New Year’s Eve blues

For as long as I can remember I disliked New Year’s Eve.  The night always brings a sadness and longing that I can’t really describe.  I have no reason to be sad and I have no idea what I’m longing for, it’s just there.  Maybe I have a memory from another life that revolves around New Year’s Eve.  Who knows?

Even when I was little, I never enjoyed myself.  I would cry when the ball dropped over Times Square.  At one party when I was a teenager, I got such a heavy feeling in my chest that I thought I was going to pass out.  I went on for the entire night.

I’ve tried going out.  I’ve been to socials, wine tastings, friend’s parties, hanging out with family, and going to the bar.  I have never ever ever got out of my NYE blues.  I can’t say that I didn’t have fun at these celebrations, but the blues was always there.

The worst is trying to tell whatever boyfriend I had at the time that all I wanted to do was stay home and read a good book and forget about NYE.  They never seem to understand and I end up going out counting the minutes until I can go home.  Since I’ve been single for the past…well what feels like forever, I have spent NYE doing exactly what I want.

I’m not a depressed or pessimistic person.  I am not prone to melancholy.  It’s just this night.  I hate it.

I do have one New Year’s tradition that I have been keeping up with since I’ve been on my own.  Every year, I make homemade cinnamon rolls and allow myself to eat as many of them as I want.  So tonight I will drink a glass of wine and read a book, and then get up nice and early to run 3 miles.  That way I can feel a little less guilty for eating my face off.

Happy New Year!  May you and yours have a year filled with love, happiness, and fun!

This is your former Pilot speaking…

A few weeks ago, I was reading in bed minding my own damn business when the phone started ringing.  I didn’t recognize the number, but definitely recognized the name.

WTF?

It was The Pilot.  If you need a refresher on who The Pilot is or if you have no idea and want to know, read about it here, here, here, here and here.

Or, for the short of it…met him 6 years ago, fell hard, he’s emotionally unavailable, we dated on and off for years, I was in love with him, he was the best sex of my life, because of his job he would disappear for months at a time, and I finally let him go a few years ago.  Unfortunately, he likes to check in on me.  It’s like he has radar on the exact moment I’m thinking about someone else and BAM…the phone rings.

My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes, so I answered the phone.  This is our conversation as I remember it (which is pretty spot on because I’ve been replaying over and over to torture myself).

Me: “Hello”

The Pilot in his ridiculously sexy Southern drawl: “Hey Debbie.”

Me: “Um, hi Neil.  This is weird.”

The Pilot: “I was thinking of you and thought I’d say hi.”

Me: “Why?”

The Pilot: “Can’t I say hi?”

Me: “No. I don’t want you to call me.”

The Pilot: “Well, I moved…to Colorado.”

He knows that I want to move to Colorado.  We’ve talked about how much I want to move there.  I’ve even told him I’m not above borrowing from my 104K to move there.  How could he move there?

Me: “Great, so now when I move there you’ll be in the same state as me….again.”

The Pilot: “I got stationed out here. It’s good. My dad died recently and it’s nice to be somewhere new.”

Me: “I’m sorry about your dad.  When did he pass?”

The Pilot: “July 6.”

Me: “That’s my mom’s birthday. Weird.”

The Pilot: “I’m living with a woman.  We’ve been together for a few months and we’re really happy.”

I don’t know why this cut through my heart like a razor, but I wanted to throw up. All I could think about was that I wasn’t enough for him and she is.

Me: “Why are you telling me this?”

The Pilot: “I don’t know.  I was just thinking of you and wanted to tell you that I’m happy.”

I seriously hate him right now.

Me: “Well…it’s good that you’re happy. I’m not sure why you needed to tell me this, but…okay.”

The Pilot: “I should hang up. I probably shouldn’t have called you, I don’t know why I did.”

Me: “Neither do I.  Goodbye Neil. I hope that when I move to Colorado I never run into you.”

The Pilot: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I guess I understand.  Bye Debbie.”

I know why he called.  Because we were electric together.  Not good electric, though.  It was like the current between us was so strong that if we kept going we would have burned each other out.  And it almost got to that point.

Still, that phone call messed me up. I can’t be cool about him. He affects me deeply. During that short call, I was torn between wanting to beat the shit out of him and falling on my knees in worship just hearing his voice.

I hope I never hear from him again.