New Year’s Eve blues

For as long as I can remember I disliked New Year’s Eve.  The night always brings a sadness and longing that I can’t really describe.  I have no reason to be sad and I have no idea what I’m longing for, it’s just there.  Maybe I have a memory from another life that revolves around New Year’s Eve.  Who knows?

Even when I was little, I never enjoyed myself.  I would cry when the ball dropped over Times Square.  At one party when I was a teenager, I got such a heavy feeling in my chest that I thought I was going to pass out.  I went on for the entire night.

I’ve tried going out.  I’ve been to socials, wine tastings, friend’s parties, hanging out with family, and going to the bar.  I have never ever ever got out of my NYE blues.  I can’t say that I didn’t have fun at these celebrations, but the blues was always there.

The worst is trying to tell whatever boyfriend I had at the time that all I wanted to do was stay home and read a good book and forget about NYE.  They never seem to understand and I end up going out counting the minutes until I can go home.  Since I’ve been single for the past…well what feels like forever, I have spent NYE doing exactly what I want.

I’m not a depressed or pessimistic person.  I am not prone to melancholy.  It’s just this night.  I hate it.

I do have one New Year’s tradition that I have been keeping up with since I’ve been on my own.  Every year, I make homemade cinnamon rolls and allow myself to eat as many of them as I want.  So tonight I will drink a glass of wine and read a book, and then get up nice and early to run 3 miles.  That way I can feel a little less guilty for eating my face off.

Happy New Year!  May you and yours have a year filled with love, happiness, and fun!

The Pixie

I chopped my hair off.  I went from a shoulder-length bob to a pixie…very drastic.  I love it.  It’s easy and chic.  I haven’t been so happy with my hair in years.

And when you’re happy with your hair, you feel good and good feelings attract good things…and so on and so on.

Although, I ran a 5K a few days ago and the guy checking me in thought I was a guy.  I know I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was wearing a boob-smashing sports bra but I think he was fuckwit, because was wearing pink from head to toe and had a barrette in my hair.  I gave him my last name and he asked me if I was Brian or Debbie.  Um, really?

Other than that silliness, the reaction to the short cut has been positive.  Even my dad, who hates short hair, says it suits me.

Here’s the picture.  Isn’t it an awesome cut?

RIP Snooki the Cat

I woke up this morning disoriented.  I get up every morning, no matter what day of the week, at 5 AM.  The cats don’t let me sleep in.  This morning I could feel the time change.  I felt weird.  I got up and wandered around with my cup of coffee.  I was restless, like something was going to happen today.  I didn’t know what, but it was in the air.

I met my mom for our new Sunday tradition of running 5K.  I shaved 2 minutes off of my time, which I’m super happy about.  The weather was beautiful and we run by the river, so the scenery is quite lovely.

After the run, I ran to the grocery store for some stuff.  I hate going on Sunday, but I needed some greens and cheese and oatmeal.  I saw 2 super hot guys shopping, one helping what looked like his dad do his shopping.  So the shopping trip wasn’t so terrible.

After I got home and put all of the stuff away and took a very necessary shower.  I was ready to sit on my ass and relax the rest of the day.  And then the phone rings…

My downstairs neighbor, the one who lives with Drunk Neighbor, tells me her cat is sick.  He’s just lying around and won’t eat.  Because I’m like the cat whisperer or something, I go down and check the cat.  He is indeed a mess.  He won’t eat, he won’t move, he won’t respond to anything.  I tell her she needs to take him to the vet immediately.  She tells me that the cat hasn’t been right for about 2 days, but then Drunk Neighbor interrupts and says that he noticed that the cat hasn’t been himself for 4 weeks.  I ask him why he didn’t take him to the vet then, but got no real answer because Drunk Neighbor was, well, drunk.

I decide to drive my neighbor and the cat to the closest emergency center where we find out he has a blocked urinary tract and that they have to perform an emergency procedure where they unblock him, but then they’ll have to keep the cat for 2-3 days for observation.  My neighbor has no problem with the money, she just wants her cat better.  We leave and let them do what they need to.  About 1o minutes after we get home, my neighbor calls me hysterical crying that they had to put the cat down because he went into cardiac arrest as they were doing the surgery.

I feel so bad for her.  The cat was only 2 years old.  But here’s my issue…how do not know your pet is sick?  Maybe I’m harsh, but I can honestly tell you that my pets are in great health.  I can tell you when they last ate, when the last drank water, when they used the box.  I have had sick animals before, so I stalk these poor cats like a psycho hypochondriac mom.  I’m always checking their paws, looking in their mouths, feeling their bellies.  I’m always messing with them.  They are my babies.  So if one of these spoiled-ass cats started acting “not right” for even 1 day (let alone 4 fucking weeks) my ass would be at the vet.  This really bothers me.

Now, I’m finally relaxing.  My body is tired and I’m a little stressed out and sad.  Poor Snooki the Cat.  I have no idea why my neighbor named the poor cat that, but that was his name.  He has a brother named Skittles and I’m sure the little guy will miss him.  Skittles is perfectly healthy and will be going to the vet for a check-up this week because I told my neighbor I would stalk her until she took him.

Ugh.  So much for a relaxing Sunday.

Pumpkin oatmeal

This might be my favorite breakfast recipe of all time.  I make a huge batch on Sunday and then eat it all week.  I don’t eat refined sugar, so there isn’t any in this recipe.  If you are a sugar eater, then replace the agave nectar and stevia with 1/2 cup of sugar.

3 cups milk (I use cow, but coconut, soy, almond, goat…whatever, will work fine)
1 cup water
1/4 cup agave nectar
1 tbsp of powdered stevia
20 drops each of liquid cinnamon and vanilla stevia (if you don’t have these, use another tbsp of powdered stevia)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/8 tsp ground clove
1/8 tsp ground cardamom (optional)
1 can pureed pumpkin
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup of raw pumpkin seeds
2 cups oatmeal

Bring milk, water, pumpkin puree, agave nectar, stevia (powdered and liquid), vanilla, and spices to a boil and whisk until all blended. Add cranberries, pumpkin seeds, and oatmeal to boiling liquid. Cook for 5 minutes on low and then let sit for 10 minutes to thicken.

Serve with milk and maple syrup or plain.

Enjoy!

Two weeks have gone by and I am looking everywhere to see where they went…

The week after my pants were scared off watching The Walking Dead was horrible.  Everything that could go wrong at work did.  My energy was super low and I was having trouble sleeping.  And I was PMS’ing hard-core.  I had Friday that week off and I needed to take of some cores, and then I was going to work on bringing some serenity into my life for a few days.

It worked.  Last weekend I recharged and felt great.  My work week last week was super busy, but a good busy.  You know, the type of busy where you feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of it.  I was stressed out.  I felt back to my normal self.

I’ve been running for the past 2 weeks.  I was following the Couch to 5K program until I ran the 5K a few weeks ago.  I realized that since I can run 5K, then I should just run for 45 minutes and not worry about how far I go.  Everyday, I run a bit faster and further.  It feels really great.  My mom is really getting into running as well.  We have decided to run on the river every Sunday morning.

I have today off and I’m straight chilling until 4 when I will go to my mom’s and give out candy.  I love doing this.  I never get kids at my house and she gets loads.  It’s so much fun.  The only thing that’s annoying is when parents bring their babies up to trick or treat.  It’s obvious that the parents want the candy since their 6 month old can’t eat it.  I also get annoyed at the kids who think it’s okay to not dress up and that just because they come to the house, we should give them candy.  I don’t want to give them candy, but my mom is afraid they’ll come back and vandalize the house.  Other than those types of people, it’s a great time.

Happy Halloween!

My Crazy #1

Fear of zombies is my crazy.  I have tried desperately to get rid of this crazy, but because I insist on feeding the crazy with television shows like The Walking Dead, it’s impossible to cure the crazy.

I love The Walking Dead.  What a gorgeous study of human nature and how it doesn’t change when faced with a life-threatening crisis such as the zombie apocalypse. Assholes will still be assholes, there are still leaders and followers, sex/food/water still drive humans to steal, lie, envy, covet, etc. There are moments of “no man is an island”/kumbaya/we’re stronger together…but really, it’s a fucking soap opera.

Yesterday, I watched 7 1/2 hours of zombie television.  I don’t know why I did that to myself.  It’s another argument that this show is that good.  They got a straight up, pee-herself-scared-of-zombies-sissy to watch a marathon of their show…and still want more.

The first 30 minutes of the show stressed me out.  They break down on the highway and a massive herd of zombies are walking down the road.   They hide under cars and dead bodies, and damn. It was a slowly built, tension filled, gross scene that I couldn’t take my eyes off of.

After the show, I had to read some rubbish romance novel to get the zombies out of my head.  My crazy was waiting behind the door to tackle me.  I could feel it there.  I read about a strong viral lord ripping the bodice off of some “no means yes”, voluptuous virgin who can’t stop staring at her lord’s manhood….until a zombie burst in and started eating them.

I decided to watch some comedy on TV.  That finally put me to sleep.  I turned off the television and  dreamt a fucked up dream where a creepy old man was asking me if the kids in the park were fornicating while his creepier wife in a house-dress was pointing a shotgun at me.  Yeah, real nice dream.

The alarm clock went off and I woke up thinking, loud noises attract them.  I instantly looked out the window to see if there were any zombies roaming the street.  I shit you not.  I did this.  I then told myself to ignore the crazy and that there were no zombies.  If another person were there, they would have had me committed.

I went into the kitchen, turned on the light, and thought…the light attracts them.  I called myself things way meaner than idiot.

I was all right the rest of the morning.  I forgot about the zombies while trying to figure out what to wear to work. It was good to get my mind off of how stupid I was being.  I got dressed without being nuts.  I was free of my crazy.

But I had to get to my car in the dark.  My crazy bitch-slapped me when I wasn’t looking and I ran to my car like I had a swarm of bees chasing me.  Seriously.  If my neighbors were looking out their windows, they would have either laughed or called the cops.  After I got the car started and doors locked, I started to laugh.  Really hysterical laughter. Who wouldn’t?  I’m a freaking dumbass who just ran down her stairs and to her car like a lunatic.

Needless to say, there were no zombies.  I’m ashamed to admit that I lost my mind for a few hours this morning.  My crazy was hungry and I fed that bitch with guts and brains.  I’m okay now, but really…I’m just stupid.

Will I continue to watch The Walking Dead?  Hell yes, just not at night.  Never again.  And not a marathon…never never never again will I feed my crazy like that.

But just in case…remember to destroy the brain.

I gots to be running

So before the year of all of the deaths and sick babies and family drama and drug addicted sisters and horrible luck…I was running about 20-25 miles a week.  I wanted to run a marathon and was on my way.

And then I just got the blues.  Life came in all at once and kept punching me in the face.  I stopped running.

That was 3 years ago.  I joined a gym a year later. It was a small gym and I liked it.  I stayed there for over a year and then ended my membership because it was just so inconvenient to get there.  I joined another gym last year and even hired a trainer, resulting in my injuring my hip and back.

That was January and I didn’t work out for  months.  My body hurt.  The chiropractor helped.  Yoga helped too.  But I missed running.

When I was running years ago, I was so happy.  It was like free therapy.  I just put my music on really loud and just go.  I missed the peace.  I missed how powerful my body was becoming.  I missed the stamina it gave me.  I slept so well.  I just felt great.

This past Sunday, I started running again.  I’m doing the couch to 5K program again, I did it many many years ago.  I did the 5 minute warm-up and thought…I got this.

And then my thought pattern went like this:

First 1 minute run…hells yeah.

The 90 second walk after…phew that was great.

Next 1 minute run…shit, it’s uphill.

90 second walk after…it’s still uphill.

1 minute run…my ass is starting to hurt.

90 second walk after…now my calves are burning because it’s still uphill.

1 minute run…shit.

90 second walk…I can do this.

1 minute run…when does this fucking hill even out.

90 second walk…an old man just yelled “Go get’em” at me.  Or I think he was yelling to me.

1 minute run…a teenager just yelled out the window at me.  I could get pissed, except I was just as big an asshole when I was a teen.

90 second walk…another damn hill.

1 minute run…I just farted, I hope nobody heard it.

90 second walk…it’s really hot out here, why is it so hot in October.

1 minute run…the last run, I can do this…how can I be going uphill again.

5 minute cool down…fucking hills.

Tonight’s run went so much better.  My body felt good and I didn’t struggle at all.  I can’t wait until I get used to the activity and can fly through my run.  Tonight felt like I was on my way to that.  I know there will be bad days, but today gave me hope.  I just have to keep going.

This is your former Pilot speaking…

A few weeks ago, I was reading in bed minding my own damn business when the phone started ringing.  I didn’t recognize the number, but definitely recognized the name.

WTF?

It was The Pilot.  If you need a refresher on who The Pilot is or if you have no idea and want to know, read about it here, here, here, here and here.

Or, for the short of it…met him 6 years ago, fell hard, he’s emotionally unavailable, we dated on and off for years, I was in love with him, he was the best sex of my life, because of his job he would disappear for months at a time, and I finally let him go a few years ago.  Unfortunately, he likes to check in on me.  It’s like he has radar on the exact moment I’m thinking about someone else and BAM…the phone rings.

My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes, so I answered the phone.  This is our conversation as I remember it (which is pretty spot on because I’ve been replaying over and over to torture myself).

Me: “Hello”

The Pilot in his ridiculously sexy Southern drawl: “Hey Debbie.”

Me: “Um, hi Neil.  This is weird.”

The Pilot: “I was thinking of you and thought I’d say hi.”

Me: “Why?”

The Pilot: “Can’t I say hi?”

Me: “No. I don’t want you to call me.”

The Pilot: “Well, I moved…to Colorado.”

He knows that I want to move to Colorado.  We’ve talked about how much I want to move there.  I’ve even told him I’m not above borrowing from my 104K to move there.  How could he move there?

Me: “Great, so now when I move there you’ll be in the same state as me….again.”

The Pilot: “I got stationed out here. It’s good. My dad died recently and it’s nice to be somewhere new.”

Me: “I’m sorry about your dad.  When did he pass?”

The Pilot: “July 6.”

Me: “That’s my mom’s birthday. Weird.”

The Pilot: “I’m living with a woman.  We’ve been together for a few months and we’re really happy.”

I don’t know why this cut through my heart like a razor, but I wanted to throw up. All I could think about was that I wasn’t enough for him and she is.

Me: “Why are you telling me this?”

The Pilot: “I don’t know.  I was just thinking of you and wanted to tell you that I’m happy.”

I seriously hate him right now.

Me: “Well…it’s good that you’re happy. I’m not sure why you needed to tell me this, but…okay.”

The Pilot: “I should hang up. I probably shouldn’t have called you, I don’t know why I did.”

Me: “Neither do I.  Goodbye Neil. I hope that when I move to Colorado I never run into you.”

The Pilot: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I guess I understand.  Bye Debbie.”

I know why he called.  Because we were electric together.  Not good electric, though.  It was like the current between us was so strong that if we kept going we would have burned each other out.  And it almost got to that point.

Still, that phone call messed me up. I can’t be cool about him. He affects me deeply. During that short call, I was torn between wanting to beat the shit out of him and falling on my knees in worship just hearing his voice.

I hope I never hear from him again.

I couldn’t stop listening to this song yesterday!

The song is great, the video is great, and now it’s now out of my head…which is great!

The blahs

This week has not been a good food week for me.  I haven’t eaten as well as I usually eat.  By well, I mean healthy.  I’ve eaten out, salty and greasy foods that are making me feel like shit.  And speaking of shit, well you know what eating lots of beige, salty, greasy food does to your poop schedule.

And nobody messes with my pooping.

I’ve been getting headaches all week as well.  I can’t tell if it’s because of allergies or because of my contacts.  I have decided to wear glasses for the next couple of days to see how that goes.  I sincerely think that I wore my contacts for too long.  I can’t remember when I opened this packet of contacts.  I hate when I do that. I’ve also had a twitch in my left eye for a couple of days that disappears once I remove my contacts.  A call to the eye doctor probably isn’t a bad idea either.  Better safe than sorry.

I did an hour of yoga today.  The class was about pressure and it was just what I needed.  I’ also ate better today…lots of fruit, veggies, unsalted nuts, grains, and water.  I had one of my favorite salads tonight.  Isn’t it pretty?

It’s just spring mix, chopped walnuts, red grapes, dried cranberries, pumpkin seeds, feta, and red onions.  I just use red wine vinegar as dressing because vinegar is crazy good for you and I don’t like a lot of dressings.  It went perfect with this…

And after dinner, I did treat myself to one of these…

…with milk of course.

Now, I’m off to a relaxing bath and then sleep.